


Told Myself That I Wouldn't Be Scared

by rainbowsandgucci



Category: Dunkirk (2017)
Genre: All The Love, Codependency, Falling In Love, Kissing, Love, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Dunkirk, Post-Movie, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 01:33:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11749347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowsandgucci/pseuds/rainbowsandgucci
Summary: He first realizes he's done for on the little boat that rescues them from the oil infested waters. Telling the blond lad that his friend is dead isn't quite the worst thing to happen to him all week, but he's not thrilled with it either, and when he looks up from carefully moving the boy's’ lifeless body out of harm's way, he scans the other faces below deck with him, only to realize the smaller boy, the one who’s seemed to be constantly by his side for the last week….isn't there with him.





	Told Myself That I Wouldn't Be Scared

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to sitswithcats (on here, sits-with-cats on tumblr) and protectingstucky on tumblr for being my motivators/cheerleaders!

The thing is, Alex has always been an independent person.

He never liked depending on people, or having people depend on him; he was his own man, and he’d gotten by just fine like that his entire life thank you very much.

Then the war happened, and he learned pretty quickly that whether you like it or not, you have to depend on others, and others are going to be depending on you. He learned to accept it, begrudgingly, maybe, but he did.

Then Dunkirk happened. Dunkirk, where it was every man for himself, because if you cared too much, you wound up dead.

Then, blue eyes and freckles happened.

It took a matter of hours for his whole world to revolve around the little shit, it seemed.

First, it was those blue blue blue eyes pulling him up out of the water after the first boat went down.

Then, it was following him up out of the second boat that went down, and into the sea once again.

After that, the reality that he might not get home if something drastic isn’t done is hitting him, and he’s up close in the boy’s face, yelling at him and telling him to send his friend….or whatever he is to him out so the rest of them can live.

When he refuses, Alex thinks he hates him, but later, all Alex can think about is how much he hates himself.

He first realizes he's done for on the little boat that rescues them from the oil infested waters. Telling the blond lad that his friend is dead isn't quite the worst thing to happen to him all week, but he's not thrilled with it either, and when he looks up from carefully moving the boy's’ lifeless body out of harm's way, he scans the other faces below deck with him, only to realize the smaller boy, the one who’s seemed to be constantly by his side for the last week….isn't there with him.

He spends the next however long in almost pure panic mode; what happened to the kid? When the fuck did he lose him? He got off the boat before Alex did so _why is he not here_?

Then the boat is moving, and Alex is sure he’s lost, well, he’s not entirely sure what he’s lost, but he’s sure he’s lost it forever.

Until a pair of feet make their way down the steps, and _fuck_ , maybe, after all this, there is a god, because there’s the stubborn shit, squeezing his way into the corner across from Alex.

They make eye contact, a thousand words said in just a moment, until Alex can’t stand to look anymore at the open look on the face of yet another person Alex knows he’s let down.

After the boat is well on it’s way to England, and everyone else is beginning to nod off, Alex finally looks over at the other boy again, and sees the very thinly veiled panic still written all over his face. An odd feeling of urgency wells up inside him, and Alex turns to the guy next to him, nudges him. The man raises an eyebrow at him, and Alex gestures with his head. “Get the fuck up mate, you can take m’friend’s place.” Then, he looks over at where the boy has sat down, still in the corner, and gestures him over.

The lad moves without questioning it, and then he’s squeezed in next to Alex, pressed up against his side, maybe a little closer than another guy should ever willingly sit next to another, but no one questions it.

It's when he looks at the boy’s face then, at those blue eyes and a slightly calmer face, that he realizes he'd do worse than make another soldier move to keep the panic off that face. 

Alex sighs, and slowly reaches a hand out towards the boy, waiting until he knows he won't flinch or try to bolt before lightly touching the chain of his dog tags. He looks at the boy questioningly, until the boy nods and tilts his head back slightly.

The gesture makes something burn softly in the pit of Alex’s stomach, but he doesn't dwell on it as he wipes off the layer of oil that’s collected on the surface of the dog tags, and discovers that the name of his blue eyed, freckled rescue, is Tommy.

\---

When Tommy begins to grow restless, and works his way up top to look at the bluffs, Alex can’t help but follow him. They’re safe now, for the time being, but the idea of the boy being out of his sight for any longer than necessary is unbearable. 

Tommy follows closely behind Alex when they disembark as well, and make their way to the train that's waiting to take them even farther away from Dunkirk. 

They can't board fast enough. 

Luckily, they’re able to find an empty booth, so they can sit across from each other. For the first time since passing out on the beach (coincidentally, that was also with Alex), Tommy feels sleep pulling at him, and he doesn't fight it. Somehow, he knows Alex will watch out for him, and knowing that, he falls asleep.

\---

When they arrive at the barracks, it turns out that Tommy’s family lives close enough that he can stay with them until training starts up again.

He tells Alex as much the morning they get off the train, when they’re standing in the station, and the first thing Alex says, is “Think you’re fuckin’ leaving me already?”

Tommy blinks up at him a couple times, and then he looks away, cheeks darkening. “I-I thought-well I was-would you be opposed to coming with me?” He’s not entirely sure why it comes out a question, he certainly hadn’t _meant_ for it to be a question, but something about Alex makes him want to be careful. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he said the wrong thing the wrong way and Alex left, he doesn’t _want_ to know what he’d do.

He realizes at that moment that he hadn’t even thought about the possibility of Alex _not_ going with him.

Instead of laughing at him, or shouting, or punching him, Alex smirks, and reaches out and grabs Tommy’s shoulder. The touch is solid, and leaves no room for pulling away, and when Alex uses it to pull him closer, Tommy can’t find it in him to be upset about it.

“Tha’s a good lad, knew I kept ya close for a reason.”

 _Christ,_ he’s a cocky bastard.  
\---

It’s an easy walk to Tommy’s childhood home (which is large enough that Alex knows he can never bring Tommy back to his own home), and the surprise reunion with his parents and at least six siblings (that Alex can count in all the bustle anyway), is tearful and full of way too much hugging in Alex’s opinion.

When the family finally is willing to pull their attention away from Tommy for more than two seconds, they ask about Alex.

All Tommy says when his mother asks, is “we saved each other”, and that’s all it takes for Alex to be swept up in hugs as well.

They’re fed a real, proper meal that night, with Tommy’s mother shooing them off to clean up immediately afterwards, promising that Tommy’s bed is open for his use, and that there’s plenty of extra blankets for Alex to feel as comfortable as possible on the couch in the living room.

Tommy wants to protest, wants to say that’s _too far away_ , and _please don’t take him away from me_ , but he only nods, and grips Alex’s hand much too hard as a goodnight.

Alex doesn’t comment on it, just squeezes back, and gives him a look that says _I’m here_.

\---

Tommy’s mother wakes up to the worst sound she’s ever heard in her life.

At first, she thinks the noise that’s startled her out of her sleep is sirens, and the bloody Germans are going to try and take her home away from her as well as her son.

Then she hears it again, and she’s flying out of her bed and down the hallway before her brain has even registered that it’s Tommy screaming.

When she reaches Tommy’s bedroom, she’s fully prepared to have to wrestle Tommy down onto the bed until he wakes up from whatever horrors are haunting him, but the tall Scottish lad that followed her son home seems to have beat her to it.

Already he’s got her eldest wrapped in his arms, keeping him from injuring himself, and if she cares enough to listen, she can hear him whispering the same things she’d whispered to her husband when he woke from nightmares after he first came home from the first world war.

_“Ssh, hush love you’re alright, I’ve got you. Calm down babe ‘m right here. You’re safe darling wake up, wake up love.”_

Slowly, Tommy’s thrashing and yelling comes to a halt, and then there’s a brief moment of silence, before she hears Tommy quietly say the other boy’s name.

Alex responds with an equally as quiet “not leavin’ love”, then it’s quiet.

She waits in the doorway, until she hears Tommy’s breathing settle, and then, only then does she move to go back to her own bed.

Her movement catches Alex’s attention, and his head whips up, his eyes leaving Tommy’s face no doubt for the first time since he entered her son’s room.

The look he gives her is slightly defiant, as if daring her to try and take Tommy from him.

She’s not an idiot though, and she’s had a feeling about the two, ever since they turned up on her doorstep, Alex’s hands always touching Tommy in some way, as if both making sure he’s really there and safe, and reminding Tommy that he’s there as well.

She’s not an idiot, and she’s also not one to judge a soldier’s coping methods, so she gives Alex a firm nod, and closes the door behind her when she leaves the room.

\---

The time they’re allowed to spend at Tommy’s before training begins again, is, quite frankly, much too short.

They spend the rest of their time there sharing Tommy’s bed (after his mother had suggested over breakfast that first morning that it was for the best, seeing as the couch was probably older than Alex), and trying to feel normal again.

Normal, it seems, has a new meaning now.

 _Normal_ , is Tommy needing some air, but not being able to leave the house until Alex can come with him.

It’s also Alex waking up one morning alone in Tommy’s bed, and searching the entire house on the verge of frantic before one of Tommy’s siblings tells him that he’s gone to the market with his mother, and will be back before lunch.

Alex spends the few hours until then trying _not_ to panic, but ultimately failing because _what if something happens?_ What if something _awful_ happens and Alex isn’t there to protect Tommy? _Then_ what would he do?

Tommy comes home, of course, and when Alex sees him, he can’t help but fume.

As soon as he can, he drags Tommy to his bedroom, slams the door shut with Tommy pressed against it, and can’t help but growl out, “You can _not_ fuckin’ leave me.”

Tommy gasps from the impact, then starts shaking his head.

“I didn’ mean to! Mum just-she said it’d only be for a bit and we’d be home for breakfast, I didn’t think you’d-”

 

“Didn’t think I’d wake up to you _gone_ , not knowin’ where you were or when you’d be back, or-or if….”

He trails off, swallows, then pushes himself away from Tommy, running his fingers through his hair frustratedly. Tommy feels his heart ache, and he reaches a hand out, wanting to comfort Alex.

“Alex I-”

Before he can finish his sentence, Alex is pushing him up against the wall again, though this time, he has a hand resting on the back of Tommy’s head, and his other hand on his waist.

They stare at each other, silent save for their breathing, for a few moments. Then, Alex lets out a half frustrated, half desperate sounding breath, and whispers, “I don’t know how to be without you anymore love.”

There’s another beat of silence, their hearts pounding, then Alex is kissing him.

As soon as they’re kissing, it’s like everything slots into place.

This is why they found each other, this is why they stayed together, and this, oh _this_ , is everything they’ve ever needed.

They slowly pull away, and when Alex sees Tommy’s already flushed cheeks, he chuckles softly.

“Tha’ your first time sweethear’?” Tommy shivers at the deep timbre of Alex’s voice, at how thick his accent’s gotten, and nods. Alex smirks, and his grip on Tommy’s waist tightens. “Good.”

He leaves it at that, and kisses just below Tommy’s ear, then makes his way back over to Tommy’s mouth. When he finally reaches him, Tommy lets out a desperate whine, and hungrily accepts Alex’s mouth back on his. 

Being kissed by Alex, Tommy decides, is the best thing he’s ever experienced. _Especially_ when Alex presses impossibly closer to him, his broader frame seeming to shield Tommy from everything that could possibly ever hurt him.

Then, Alex is grinding, pushing, and _oh fuck_ , oh god he’s hard.

Tommy breaks away from their kiss, throws his head back and whines, and he feels the ghost of a laugh being huffed onto his skin before Alex’s hand on his waist leaves. Tommy’s confused for a moment, then the hand is on his stomach, untucking his shirt, then undoing his trousers.

As Alex works, Tommy can feel his heart pounding wildly, and he knows his face must be as red as the roses in his mother’s garden.

Finally, his clothes are out of the way, and Alex is touching, touching, _touching_. He kisses Tommy’s neck -and oh fuck is that sensitive-, and he’s moving his free hand down, teasing the hem of Tommy’s pants, working those down as well, and then _oh_.

Alex is touching him, seeming to pull his gasps and moans right from his mouth.

When Tommy feels like he can, he looks up at Alex again, only to see the man grinning at him.

Tommy whimpers, and pushes at Alex’s hand still holding his above his head. Alex chuckles and presses Tommy’s hands harder against the wall.

“C’mon love, you can be good for me right?” Tommy whimpers in response, and Alex moves his hand faster. “That’s it, be a good boy, feels good, hm? My hand on your pretty cock? God you’re so _fuckin’_ gorgeous”

Tommy whines, his hips moving faster for a moment, before he’s coming, messy, all over Alex’s hand. 

His body seems to lose all ability to function after that, and the only thing holding him up is Alex’s hand gripping his wrists.

Alex (of course) realizes this, and carefully maneuvers Tommy, so they’re on his bed. As soon as they’re there, Tommy’s reaching up for another kiss, and before he can even properly think about it, Alex has him pressed flat on the bed, and is hovering over him while he kisses him senseless yet again.

He lets it happen a moment -because how could he break the kiss immediately- before he’s pulling away and half mumbling, half slurring urgently.

“Stop-stop ‘lex-wanna-you need to-wanna make you come.”

Alex groans, and sits up between Tommy’s spread thighs, and undoes his own trousers. How he kept them done up this entire time Tommy has no idea, because when Alex pulls his cock out, it looks painful. Tommy lets out a sympathetic moan, and sits up.

“Can I…?” Alex moans, and moves his hand a couple times.

“What d’ya say darling?”

Tommy’s mouth drops open, and he breathes out a quiet _please_ , before Alex is on him again with a muttered _good boy_. He’s being kissed so hard he can’t breathe, but somehow Tommy manages to get his hand around Alex, and begins mimicking the way Alex is moving his own hand. A moment later, Alex takes his hand away, fists it in the sheets next to Tommy’s hand, and starts moving his hips in time with Tommy.

“God, feels so bloody good Tommy, can’t even fuckin’-” Tommy squeezes slightly, and Alex groans before continuing. “ _Shit_ gonna-fuck think about when I fuck you love, you’re gonna feel so fuckin’ amazing, never gonna want anything else-never gonna let you g-”

He breaks off with another moan, then starts kissing Tommy again as he comes.

As their breathing slows, they continue to kiss; Alex biting at Tommy’s lips, and his tongue a little, and it feels so fucking _right_ , so, so right, that Tommy knows he’s never going to be able to be with anyone else. 

Alex has _ruined_ him.

After breaking away and kissing again several times, they finally part, panting, and Tommy takes the opportunity to open his eyes and stare up at Alex. Alex’s eyes are wet, and Tommy knows his are as well, but it’s alright. Alex sighs, happily, Tommy thinks, then leans in and rests his forehead against Tommy’s.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispers. “I can’t function when you’re not around.”

Tommy sucks in a sharp breath, locks eyes with Alex, and grasps at the hem of Alex’s shirt. “I didn’t want to leave you, this morning. It was so _loud_ and my mum expected me to be okay but I-” Alex shushes him, and presses another kiss to his lips, then nose. Tommy lets out a huffed laugh, then he looks away for a moment, and when his eyes meet Alex’s again, they’re brimming with tears again, and when he continues to speak, his voice cracks. “-dunno when it happened, but no matter how _fucking hard_ I try, I can’t function without you either.”

\---

The rest of their time spent in Tommy’s home is the same as it was before the kiss, just with….more kissing.

By the time they need to head back to the barracks -back to training, back to the war, and the possibility of separation-, they’ve had time to learn just how to kiss each other.

Alex learns that kissing Tommy’s neck will leave him unable to speak.

Tommy learns that Alex loves when Tommy’s hands are in his hair.

They both become so familiar with what it feels like when Alex is inside Tommy, around him, and possessing him completely, that neither of them ever wants it to stop. Sometimes, Alex will hold Tommy down like the first time, his thin wrists held securely in one of his hands -hands that Tommy has discovered are very, _very_ capable- while the other -very very _very_ capable hand- opens him up for Alex’s cock.

It’s _wrong_ , but it’s safe, and neither of them gives a damn about anything else. Not the ongoing war, or the fact that in less than a week they’ll both be back in the thick of it.

Nothing matters, because they have each other, and that’s enough.

For now.


End file.
